It goes on

Perhaps it’s because I depend on undependable people. Perhaps it’s because I seek friends whose obligations do not include babysitting me. Or perhaps it’s my own damn fault for conceiving this grave overestimation in the first place. I do know now just how much loneliness cauterizes my soul into a shell of its former self, frail and dried out. But who will be there to save me?

I will most likely wake up tomorrow and realize this is emotional trash. When you read this I will be in a better mood and in no need of consolation. If you’ve been to one school dance, you’ve been to them all.

Last night I dreamt that I had found a baby rabbit in the junior parking lot. It had grey fur and  was the same size as one of the chocolate variety. One of its hind legs was hurt too, because it kept limping. But it was so soft and adorable. So I took it home in a little Build-A-Bear sized box and went to do other errands. All the time I couldn’t stop thinking about petting that rabbit. 

I still don’t know what to make of this other than that I’m Lennie.

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If love is an illness, then I’ve caught the flu
but I’m sick of being sick with you. 

Whisk me, whiskey

I have no desire to stay here

I’ve been stressed out of my mind

So please take me someplace livelier

Somewhere where I can fill myself up

Leaving no room for responsibility.

/

Lick me, liquor

I deserve the punishment you hand me

I’ve been sober for far too long

So please knock me senseless and broken

Until I really know what ‘punch-drunk’ means

It feels so great not to feel anymore.

/

Void me, vodka

I have nothing left inside me

I’ve been empty for what feels like forever

So please find me a purpose again

Or at least give me the attention I’ve been missing

Since I’ve devoted all my time to you.

/

Brand me, brandy

I have become your rightful property

I’ve already given you everything I’ve loved

So please drown me in that shiny bottle of yours

Because now, you’re all I have left

Yet I couldn’t be more content.

And like that, it was decided. Hello, Willamette.

Ocean, ocean! swallow me whole!

Will you mend me and tend me, may I vacate control?

Ocean, ocean! Keep me pinned down!

Will you carry me and bury me, pray I won’t make a sound.

When I drove to school today, there was an early fog

That rolled over the foothills and perched atop the campus

A fog that did not dissipate with the morning air

But instead permeated into the classrooms,

And our precarious minds.

/

Today news crews gathered and loomed over the school

Like Falcons, eagerly awaiting the expected.

Policemen also showed up, exuding a presence that suggested

These wide open school grounds are impenetrable 

A truly laughable guise.

/

Today the walls grew thinner, and footsteps grew louder

Voices lingered, and shadows flickered

Classrooms filled with empty desks and empty spirits

Today the silence was truly deafening

Our hallowed halls now feel hollow.

/

They say Pleasanton is a great place to call home

Our schools are top notch and the people are oh so bubbly

But after today the future is certainly uncertain

We may no longer uphold our town’s pleasant namesake;

The writing is on the wall.

Bullying in the media is most commonly portrayed as physical abuse; the big guy picking on the little guy. But it is well-documented and hopefully by now well-known that bullying is hardly ever physical, but rather an unfathomable mental and emotional weapon. 

Discrimination now comes in subtle flavors: quiet exclusion from social cliques, issuing an unwelcoming presence to newcomers, and just a general lack of willingness to change. I can not speak for the entire population of victims, but I do believe that most will say Foothill High School is a large violator of all three of these concepts. 

Yet we stick to our traditions when it comes to solving these problems. We sigh a big sigh of relief, tell our few significant others we love and care for them, and sweep the issue under the rug until next time. These words and actions are empty and passive. To the user they feel good to say and do, but provide no real value to those who are deeply affected by the problem. As the wise Richey once told me, are these messages spread for the sake of true charity, or for one’s own peace of mind and personal justice?

Instead of reacting by posting on your nearest social media outlet that you love all your friends and that nobody deserves to be treated this way and blah blah blah, practice it. Welcome those new students. Make new friends. Open your heart and mind. Eternal love for all beings. I’m starting to sound like a hippie freak but seriously try it. It’s a lofty goal, and the difference you make will most likely not be visible, but its success is not really measurable nor contingent on completion. Its success can be measured from plain attempting it.